9 Months ...Of Learning

I pretty much knew that being a mommy was going to be amazing (those of you who know me at all know that I've wanted nothing more than about a gazillion babies since I was 2), but I guess what I didn't expect was the extent that my CHILD could make amazing changes in other people's lives, even before he could talk. But before getting into that, let's backtrack really quickly so I can fill you in on some of the new and exciting parts of our world since I last blogged.

Eli is a whopping 9 months old now! He is saying "mamamamamamamamamamamama," "blahblahblahblah" and occasionally "da" (haha). He also has a wonderfully complex little language consisting of many consonant-vowel combinations (with plenty of slobbery raspberries thrown in for good measure). Contrary to what his linguistic choices suggest, his face absolutely lights up every time Daddy or Toby walk in the room (his consistent "Toby" sound is kind of a guttural grunt with his mouth closed). "mamamamamama" is his default noise, though "MA!!" is reserved for frustrating circumstances only.

Eli's "Foods I have Tried" archive now includes avocado, pear, sweet potato, apple, carrot, peach, asparagus, spinach, apricot, green bean, parsnip, blueberry, cherry, corn, potato salad, orange, grape, peas, scrambled egg yolk, bread, yogurt, graham crackers, quiche, hummus, rice, chicken, turkey, toast with a little butter, a couple types of fish, pasta, soft cheese, and dungeness crab (yes, he has good taste!). Of these, his favorites at the moment are blueberries, white peaches, asparagus, bread, and hummus. I love that we can just hand him big chunks of bread, crackers, or fruit that he can take bites out of, or put a variety of small things on his tray and let him practice his pincer grasp.

In terms of his motor skills, we recently learned from a chiropractor that some of Eli's reflexes (leg/hip areas) are still a little immature, hence his tendency to straighten his legs out (makes sense considering how much he's wanted to WALK since he was about 2 weeks old). This in turn has impacted his ability to crawl because he doesn't want to bend at the hip to bring his legs up underneath him. The good news is that he has perfect strength and tone, and no indication of neurological problems, so we're going to be working on some home exercises from the chiro, and his PT in order to loosen up those joints a bit! And that brings me back to my original comments. When Eli started showing signs of motor delay, a few things started to happen:

Number one, my own insecurities started coming to the surface regarding my ability to parent effectively. It's so funny that God gave me a passion for infant/child development, and that for years I've been essentially "practicing" on how to become the best possible mommy that I can be. I've worked in day cares and nurseries since I was 9, made honors in Human Development at an Ivy League university, and went on to work with neuropsychological disorders at Harvard Medical School, children and low-income families with special needs at the CDC in Colorado Springs, and coordinated clinical research for the Dept of Rehabilitation at UC Denver School of Medicine/The Children's Hospital. I don't air out my laundry list to brag, but to emphasize how enthusiastically, whole-heartedly, ENTIRELY committed I was from day one of my pregnancy to do EVERYTHING right in order to raise a happy, healthy child. I knew everything from the benefits of breastfeeding, to the timing/method of food introduction, to the most stimulating types of toys and books, to the best ways to encourage early language development. As far as I was concerned, I was going to raise the happiest, most well-adjusted, developmentally advanced little baby there ever was...And then, thankfully, God decided to cure me of my selfish desire to control. He blessed me with Eli, who simultaneously fell short of, and magnificently surpassed my every expectation (though MUCH more of the latter!). But I still couldn't get it out of my head. Why wasn't he rolling over much? How come he still has a flat spot on his head?? I've kept him off of his back since he was 2 months old, except when he rolls from side to back while sleeping!! I've made sure he's had even more tummy time than what's recommended (literally from day one), and he still hates it, and is still nowhere near crawling at 9 months. I've kept him out of the Johnny Jumpers entirely, and yet he has more leg rigidity than most kids who spend time in them every day. WHY isn't my child succeeding when I'm doing everything right, God??? That's when I heard, "How do you measure success, beloved?" and "Why are you making this about YOU?"

Number two, I noticed that people in Eli's life (people who love him and are honestly concerned for him) began to worry about him. This includes our extended family and some close friends. They were anxious about the same things I was (though, I try to tell myself, at least, that they weren't blaming me). Now it had moved on from my own problematic self-scrutiny to some pretty intense anxiety in other family members. And so began the exhaustive "rule-out" process. Part of the problem was that there didn't seem to be anything "wrong" with Eli. If he had received a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy or Down Syndrome, for instance, I would know what I'm dealing with, and confidently proceed onward with the necessary assistance. But this was different. So, we saw a PT to rule out tone issues, we had a CT scan to rule out neurological or cranial issues, we've been set up with a number of pediatricians, developmental pediatricians, and geneticists to rule out developmental/genetic causes. As we did all this, the anxiety seemed to intensify, while at the same time, a still, small voice kept repeating, "Why don't you trust me, beloved? Why can't you see the way I've gifted him? Why can't you cast your anxieties on me and be thankful?"

I maintained a steady stream of ignorance toward that voice (after all, I was busy figuring out what was so terribly wrong with my child!!) until one day, a particularly anxious family member, who hadn't been able to sleep all night after hearing about the possibility of "craniosynostosis" from someone who knew nothing about Eli, urged me desperately to schedule his CT scan as soon as possible. It was then that I suddenly KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my child did NOT have craniosynostosis, nor was he suffering from any other debilitating developmental disorder. God totally opened my eyes to his provisions, yet again, and also allowed me to see that this fear was an attack. From the time Eli was born, Eli has been the sweetest, most joyfully content, loving, peaceful, patient, gentle baby I've ever seen. Not to mention his tendency toward deep thought, and emotional understanding, but those have always turned into compensatory excuses for why he's not catching up physically; "Maybe he'll just be really smart, or really social, and not be as physical," "Babies only develop one major area at a time, and he's more advanced in language skills, so that's why he's behind physically," or "He's just a really deep thinker and is more interested in observing things rather than being motivated to move around and interact with them." Regardless of whether any of these are actually true, I realized that it doesn't matter one bit. God defines success differently than we do, and He gave Eli the fruits of the Spirit because Eli is made in His image (see Galations 5:22-23), and is being shaped into a man after God's own heart! Eli is here for a very important reason, and Jake and I believe deep down that it's a BIG reason...God is going to use him in a very powerful way. And all of our fears about him being slow to crawl (kinda silly in the scope of life, isn't it?), or having craniosynostosis (which I've always known that he doesn't have) is actually an enemy tactic of DETRACTING our attention from the child God created Eli to be! As I spoke to this anxious family member, I felt the words come out of me and they weren't mine.

"Eli has been chosen by God - he is gifted in ways that we're not even paying attention to because we're so scared of what could be "wrong" with him. I KNOW there is NOTHING wrong with him! God has given me a peace about this, and I think we just have to trust that God is going to take care of Eli even better than any of us could. We just need to TRUST Him and SEE Eli for the amazing, blessed, world-changing man after God's heart that we believe he is becoming! Anything else is not from God."

We still had the scheduled CT scan done (and saw a number of other specialists who have given us good tips about how to encourage more motor activity, etc.), but one thing has been consistent: NO ONE has found ANY abnormalities or disorders to speak of! Eli is perfectly healthy and happy. I've just been measuring success wrong. And already, Eli is teaching me (and the whole extended family) what true, Godly success really is. And, what trust is. And what relenting control means! I thank God for blessing me with this amazing child - EXACTLY the way he is - every day!